UPDATE: |’Adolescence has started a conversation – but we shouldn’t ‘ban’ children from using social media’ News

Netflix drama Adolescence has prompted an important national conversation about online safety. Specialist hypnotherapist and psychotherapist Dipti Tait speaks to James Holt about how parents can best approach the topic with youngsters.

A specialist psychotherapist and hypnotherapist has a theory on why children shouldn’t be ‘banned’ from social media – and has issued advice to concerned parents or guardians about how to have impactful conversations to help keep them safe.

Protecting young people from accessing harmful content is at the forefront of everybody’s minds. Since it’s release, Netflix drama Adolescence has prompted an important national conversation about online safety.

A leading online safety expert has said the show was able to ‘shine a light on the devastating impact’ the spread of such content can have on young people.

And last week, the Prime Minister hosted the show’s writer Jack Thorne and producer Jo Johnson at Downing Street, alongside representatives from the NSPCC and Children’s Society, where he said he wanted to talk about ‘what can we do as a society to stop and prevent young boys being dragged into this whirlpool of hatred and misogyny’.

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Netflix said it would make the series free to stream for all secondary schools across the UK. It came after Sir Keir Starmer said he had watched the show with his family, adding the online world and social media means ‘ideology’ can be ‘pumped directly into the minds of our children’.

Calls have also been made for social media sites to step up, with the Online Safety Act, which is gradually coming into force throughout this year, requiring online platforms to follow strict codes of practice set out by Ofcom. It will dictate how platforms must stop users, particularly children, from encountering harmful content online.

Aside from websites and posts about misogyny, the bill also aims to tackle all forms of harmful content, including racism, homophobia, pornography and other adult or inappropriate materials.

Psychotherapist and hypnotherapist Dipti Tait has spent years working with teenagers and their parents. She says that technology is one of the biggest anxiety triggers for today’s youth – but that youngsters shouldn’t be forcibly ‘banned’ from social networks by worried parents – and has explained exactly why it could actually do more harm than good.

“The internet isn’t actually the problem – it’s the adults”

Speaking to the M.E.N, the 51-year-old specialist has provided useful tips and advice to parents, teachers and guardians, about how to approach the topic and gain the trust of unruly teens who could be seen as eager to break the rules, and how the science behind it can turn the often battlefield-like conversations into constructive ones.

“I have an interesting insight into neuroscience and how people think and behave,” she said. “It’s about how thoughts can influence our feelings, our behaviour and therefore our experience of life. To change our reality, we need to change our thought processes.

“The internet and technology that so many fear isn’t really the problem. The problem is that adults have totally forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. I remember how it was, and all of those feelings you have.

“I didn’t have the internet growing up like children do today, but I remember having secret codes, ways and means to get out of the bathroom window. We all had our ways of not letting our parents know what we were doing, much like today.

“It isn’t the internet that has done this to the teenage brain. It’s always been the same. For a neurotypical teenager, the normal brain function is that they are natural rulebreakers. None of them want to be controlled, repressed or stopped. Teenagers are natural thrill-takers, are defiant, and are rebellious.

“If you talk about the word ‘safety’ it isn’t an interesting conversation for them. They will shut down and switch off. The big mother or father is talking about dangers again and they won’t want to hear it. So, they stop respecting. And when we lose respect, we lose trust.”

“Teens aren’t trying to shut us out, they just don’t always have the words to let us in”

One way that Dipti suggests parents can gain trust to be able to have open and challenging conversations with young people is through ‘pattern interruption’.

She says this is a handy way of opening up new avenues of conversation by changing the approach and asking open-ended questions or statements, rather than clear demands or strictly closed questions, and adapting the typical ‘pattern’ of how adults tend to tackle hard-hitting topics.

“The teenager will always expect the parent, teacher or care-giver to nag and ask direct questions like ‘what are you doing on there?’ or ‘who are you speaking to?’,” she explained.

“When you ask directly in that way, immediately a defence mechanism is put up. He or she will try to hide the truth or sugar-coat the reality. They don’t want their world to be infringed and they think they know best.

“As soon as you make something a ban, or secretive, what happens in the brain? You do the opposite. If you say ‘don’t press this button’ then people will go out of their way to do so.

“An example is, if you walked into a supermarket with £10 and your mum or dad didn’t let you have sweets, the first aisle you’d go down would be the sweets aisle. But if you hadn’t have been restricted, and could make your own choices in moderation, you’d probably make a better decision.

“This is a way to be in control without controlling. We want to stop this and invite new conversation. We have to be clever, because teenagers don’t want direct instructions. We are all addicted to our mobile phones, and we have to admit that.

“If you’ve seen the Netflix docuseries Adolescence, you’ll know exactly what I mean. That series shows the raw, unfiltered truth about what it feels like to grow up in a hyper-connected world. It’s not always pretty, but it is real and it’s a powerful reminder that teens aren’t trying to shut us out, they just don’t always have the words to let us in.”

Dipti suggested approaching youngsters with open-ended statements like:

• “I imagine some of the stuff online must feel intense or overwhelming at times”
• “It must be tricky balancing being online and still getting downtime.”
• “You’re smart and I know you’ve probably seen some weird stuff on the internet – have you ever noticed how it makes you feel?”

She says this is a way to invite children into an open conversation and therefore feel more comfortable opening up about their experiences online.

“It’s about beginning to ask questions in a more conversational and curious way,” Dipi said. “It creates a new space for a conversation and lowers the defence mechanism.

“Teach them how to tune into their own inner signal, not just yours. So rather than saying ‘that’s not safe’, which they’ll likely ignore, help them learn what feeling unsafe feels like.

“You could try, ‘sometimes when I’m scrolling and my chest feels tight or my stomach drops, I know I need a break. Do you ever get that feeling?”

“We’re not going to win the war on tech by policing it. But we can protect our teens by building bridges they’re actually willing to walk across.”

‘Controlling with inspiration’

Speaking with the M.E.N, mum-of-two Dipti also suggested a way parents and carers can help inspire youngsters to put down their phones or devices and feel more inspired about the future. She says this will help them to make informed decisions and their consequences as they get older as their brain’s prefrontal cortex develops.

“If we think about the fact that teenagers don’t want direct instructions or rules, we have to make them think that they are in control,” she explained. “Another strategy is by playing a game about the ‘future you’.

“It’s about mentally time travelling and asking if they could move forward ten years, from the current version of themselves, addicted to scrolling on their phones, which version of them would they be?

“Turn it into a question that feels inclusive to their world. The prefrontal cortex, that imagines consequences, long term goals and visions, only develops as they get older. So you nudge them into using it without lecturing them, and encourage them to think in a way that focuses on a solution, rather than finding faults and problems. Get them to give us their solution, which will be what they have decided is good for them.”

Continuing, Dipti said: “So if we play on the fact that we know teens don’t like being controlled, we can explain how these social media apps or websites are designed to hijack their attention and brain power.

“We can twist this so the children themselves can see what is happening. It’s controlling through inspiration. Encourage them to learn that the short-term dopamine hit from using social media has a much better and long-term reward if they can control their own through something they enjoy.”

“It’s the extremism online that we want to be able to explain to our children”

Dipti also provided handy tips on how to best approach topics around extremism and polarising views online and encourage youngsters to think independently and make their own decisions., rather than being easily led and swept up in online commentary.

“It’s about always ruling from a place of understanding and love,” she said. “Because as soon as they feel like they can’t speak to teachers, or parents our guardians, they will shut down and find someone else to talk to – and you won’t know who they are.

“I always say that there are always two edges to everything. Two sides to the extremes. Black and white, positive and negative. And they’re everywhere. And if we understand the edge, we want to help them realise we don’t want to fall off that edge, but rather come into the middle.

“Have more of an open discussion about extremism in its context of race, gender and political views. Through an honest conversation we can recognise that there is a way to find a balance.

“It encourages a healthy debate. Sit with children and say ‘lets sit on this fence’, and then ‘lets sit on the other side’, to really help them understand where they fit and how they would feel on both sides. Bring them out of their own world to consider the wider context so they can make up their own minds for themselves. This will prepare them for real life.

“This will opens up the trust and the respect. My sons didn’t always tell me everything – but they were very sensible and knew they could come to me if they ever had any problems. That is the space adults need to create.”