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“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
Nerves lead to Greatness
Just like those before me, I’ve come to face the reality of my decision to thru-hike the PCT. That has obviously conjured up some anxiety and nerves. Desperately trying to get to my start date and having planned so much thus far, waiting for my moment at the Southern Terminus is having an effect on my daily life. From daydreaming about life on Trail or the possibility of something not working out, I’m looking for ways to detour and distract myself with other tasks. Performing in a play was especially a highlight of my winter happenings. Through this I was able to push myself out of my comfort zone and embrace the nerves, coming out with positivity and excitement for my next performance. This gave me a sense of peace within myself when applying that same thought process towards the Trail. Nerves put us in a place of understanding the tasks we’re about to embark ourselves upon. The greater the adventure, the greater the nerves. Knowing it’s okay to be nervous allows space for the sense of freedom. Freedom from the life I currently live, freedom from the mundane, and freedom experienced by living in the GREAT outdoors.
“Is freedom anything else than the right to live as we wish? Nothing else.” — Epictetus
Achieving is Believing
Can anyone ever ensure that nothing goes wrong? That everything you thought of will go exactly to plan? It’s an unlikely scenario. The anxiety that comes along with the need to over prepare, I begin to trap myself in a box with little to no trust in fate. Allowing myself the space to relinquish these moments of doubt, gives me room to enjoy the time I have before Trail. I’m working to embrace the unknown and believing in my ability to adapt to any “inconvenience” Trail will throw at me. The moment I believed I could do this, I achieved more than most. Walking along Trail one day, gave me the hope that I could embark on such an adventure and actually complete it! Keeping myself within the initial headspace will only prove to be worthwhile. I refuse to let anything stop me from thru-hiking the PCT.
“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire” — Jennifer Lee
Challenge Awaits, Comfortability at Stake
The fears of challenges on Trail are tenfold once the initial excitement has worn off. Though, I’ll be immeasurably excited and anxious in the next coming weeks, I currently feel as if my thru-hike is going to be… destroyed somehow. I have no evidence that anything will go awry, though keeping my head on a swivel is seemingly becoming unsustainable. Am I crazy for putting myself through the pressure? Is the pressure worth it in the end? How can one foresee future struggles to ensure their success? Questions I’m constantly asking myself. Desperately gasping at the lack of oxygen from wasted breath, I’m beginning to let go. Letting go from the pressures I put onto myself, the idea of failure, and fear. Nothing can stop me from achieving my dream.
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals” — Zig Zigler
Introspection
With any change to one’s life, comes unbearable fear of the unknown. Likely why I’m feeling even more emotional lately. I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression, severe anxiety, and bi-polar disorder. Quite often do I find myself amidst a whirlwind of emotions, exacerbated now by the anticipation for the PCT. At times I feel as though my intent to thru-hike the PCT comes from intense manicism. Other times I’m plagued by the intrusive thoughts that lead me to extreme solitude. The main reason I’m going on Trail, is merely because I don’t feel like I belong… anywhere. I find a peace I’ve never known when I’m exploring. The mind begins to silence, for even just a moment, enough to be intoxicating. Going back to normal life seems completely mundane and unnecessary. Hoping that by the end of the PCT I’ll be able to say I’m mentally “healthy”. If not, I’m no less of a person than I was before Trail. Quite possibly the opposite. Trusting my inner voice, silencing my inner conflict by climbing mountains. Love ya
“There is hope, even when your brain tells you otherwise.” – John Green
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